Sex-Ed in the Sixties

Part Six

AFTERWORD: Free Willke…On Second Thought, Don’t

Dear class,

Now that we’ve listened to (and followed along with in the Reading Rainbow-like accompanying workbooks I’ve so lovingly provided you with) over 180 minutes of pure Willke goodness, what can we learn by comparing the sex-ed lectures of the Willkes and their respective ‘ilkes to the sex-ed lecturers of today? How has sex-ed changed from the 1960s to today? And is it better or worse?
A. back then, sex-ed was all superstition-based. These days, depending on where you live, there might not be any sex-ed at all (I’m looking at you, red-staters)
B. at least now we know what a clitoris is…sorta
C. ask Bristol and Levi
D. it depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is. If ‘is’ means ‘is and never has been’ that’s one thing - if it means ‘there is none’, then that seminar was completely full of shit

On today’s plus side, there’s a concerted effort to teach safer sex. On the other hand, there’s that whole creepy Oompa-Loompa abstinence-pledge movement, which threatens to set our sexual evolution back several millenia. Actually, I take that back–the sexual mores of the ancients were a bit more…well, modern than this nonsense.

What passed for safe-sex in the 1960s?
A. no sex
B. no sex at all
C. no sex at all whatsoever
D. Vietnam (providing you didn’t have a fancy for the indigenous sex-workers)

In the 1960s, the only acceptable ring was a wedding band. What other sorts of rings are commonplace today?
A. cock rings
B. nipple rings
C. lord of the rings
D. purity rings, especially on nipples
E. onion rings, beer-battered if you please

Ideally, what should we be making sure that we’re passing on in the right here and now?
A. having your taint licked does not make you gay
B. you can’t make babies if you put it in her butt
C. coitus interruptus is about as reliable a means of birth control as Peter Frampton is cool (and I don’t mean ‘cool’ in an ironic sense)
D. while it’s true that certain STDs aren’t deadly, you still might have trouble getting laid in the future if your ass is all herped-up
E. we need to include a free 3-pack of condoms in video game packages, with top 20 CDs, and in every box of Hot Pockets
F. encourage them to purchase more sex toys, especially from EdenFantasys. Because as long as you’re not storing them inside a big soupy bag of HIV, HPV, syphilis, with pickled pubic lice floating around in there–solo play with toys will always be safe!

Furthermore, what might we expect to see enter the sex-ed curriculum in the coming years?
A. sex-positivity will be taught in all our schools across the land, teaching our children the necessity of safe-sex, as well as the importance of learning to accept those of different genders, orientations, or even people who like to have sex with cars. And then the world will come together hand in hand, everybody loving one another, and then–we will truly evolve; there will be no hate, no war, no– ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah (deep gagging breath) ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah whew. Boy howdy, that sure was a funny one, huh?
B. soon we will teach fisting to high-schoolers, because the safe-sex syllabus needs to be expanded in this age of rampant STDs
C. please don’t let John McCain be the one to decide what gets taught
D. OH FUCK PLEASE PLEASE OH LORDY PLEASE do not let Sarah Palin be the one who decides what gets taught ’cause I don’t want my penis to be called a ‘Jesus stick’

The sad truth of the matter is that there are still thousands if not millions of Willkes scrabbling about this land of ours, embossing their sexual hang-ups upon the hearts and genitals of successive generations like a Banana Republic logo onto a pair of overpriced hip-huggers. But at the same time, there’s the internet! With its newfangled sex-positivity and step-by-step Shibari tutorials!

And the middle ground is, well…the middle ground is that people are still having sex, and that no matter what you, me, the clergy, or the Willkes say, people will continue having sex, regardless of the circumstances or potential consequences. So you might as well teach ‘em something, right?

What did the Willkes go on to do after their sex-ed seminars of the 1960s?
A. they starred in their own musical variety show in the 70s, The J.C. and Barb Hour
B. they moved to Alaska, where they spoke in tongues and taught young people and governors how to pray the gay away
C. they formed an international drug cartel and were renowned for such horrific violence that Al Pacino’s character in Scarface was based largely on J.C. Michelle Pfeiffer’s character however was in no way based on Barb.
D. they invented Facebook, so lonely kooks could network

Actually, what really went down is a little heebie-jeebier. Today, Dr. and Mrs. Willke are heralded as forebears of the modern chastity education movement. But–that’s not all! They gained their most lasting fame for founding the International Right to Life Federation. So, uh…take that into account the next time you’re in the market for some quality sex-education. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get it from these two wackaloons.

From where can you get better quality sex-ed than from a Willke? Well, pretty much anywhere. So for your edification, I will present to you 26 different non-Willke options, in alphabetical order:

Ann Coulter
Binks, Jar-Jar
Cook, Dane (because even an unfunny douchebag can offer better advice than a Willke)
Deaf people
Eunuchs
Fred, Right Said
Giuliani, Rudy (especially in the area of crossdressing-acceptance)
Hillbillies roving the hills with pitchforks and M-80s
Ichabod Crane
Jared from Subway
Kinko’s staff
Lulu, my OCD cat
Moltar the Lava-Man
Norman, John (beloved ‘fantasy’ novelist)
Obama, Barack (who will remind you that smart dudes can totally score hot wives)
Pepsi One, the ingredient label on a 2ltr bottle of
Quark the Ferengi from Star Trek
Rickles, Don (because calling your lover a ‘hockey puck!’ is kinda hot)
Sex-bloggers (though we do tend to ramble a bit)
Tiny Tim (the ghost of either will do)
Ultimate Warrior
Virgins
Willke, anyone not named
X-Men, the (especially Wolverine, because he’s the best there is at what he does, bub)
Yo momma, fool
Zelda (the game, not the dead Fitzgerald)

And that’s all, folks! Consider the Nietzschesque tome of The Willke to Power written. And then hopefully burned. Or at least microfiched back to its proper place in shameful obscurity.

Drive safe, folks!

Part Five

9. Good Willke Hunting

The ass-end of the seminar begins with a lengthy (and by lengthy I do mean rambling) dissertation on how far you can go when you’re not going all the way if you’re not yet married. Did you catch all that? Great. So before we get into the hows and whys, let’s first review some of the historically popular sexcapades that do not actually involve coitus proper.

Is mutual masturbation sex?
A. only if you stain her dress and she saves it in case of a future grand jury summons
B. have you ever read Nicholson Baker’s Vox?
C. only if it’s a GOP fund-raising event
D. anything that ends in an orgasm and is not sanctified by the United States Marine Corps, the Church of England, or the League of Nations is considered pre-marital sex and is therefore VERY BAD

Is oral-sex sex?
A. its all in the mouth of the beholder
B. depends – can you still get pregnant by swallowing?
C. not if you swallow the evidence
D. anything that ends in an orgasm and is not sanctified by the United States Marine Corps, the Church of England, or the League of Nations is considered pre-marital sex and is therefore VERY BAD

Mrs. Willke then pooh-poohs on the parade by telling us in a sonorous tone that all forms of pre-marital petting are VERY BAD. In fact, even breast-petting is out. It’s off the table. You can’t have none. The reasoning behind this is that being turned-on is a bad thing if you aren’t married. Because if you get too turned on, you might not stop. And as the good Dr. tells us, it is not healthy psychologically to stop. Though he never does mention blue-balls, which, as far as most of us are concerned, is a far weightier matter than what’s going on with the id.

Pre-marital breast-petting is bad because:
A. boobies are a gateway drug to socialism, anal sex, and reading Allan Ginsberg
B. boobies hypnotize men into doing unspeakably bad things
C. it leads to Japanese rope-breast-bondage
D. seriously; does anyone actually use ‘pet’ in that sense anymore?

And then Dr. Willke tells us a story. About a lovely young couple who would ‘pet’ each other before marriage. She jerked him off; he did her likewise. Both were quite happy with this, even when she squirted all over his ‘67 Thunderbird. And then, on their wedding night – she was frigid. And still was, five years later, when they came to Dr. Willke for counseling. A year into their counseling, Dr. Willke is certain that the marriage will not survive.

The moral of this story is:
A. never finger a chick unless it’s with your ring finger, and said ring finger is legally ringed
B. oral sex is a better way of saying ‘I love you’
C. gosh, people sure were stupid back then
D. if we are to follow Dr. Willke’s logic, then the answer is simple: she went insane from having pre-marital orgasms. And it serves her right for being such a hussy.

Dr. Willke’s addendum to this is that there are powerful ‘guilt-feelings’ that create frigidity and impotence other than religious hang-ups. Examples of these include:
A. the Guilt Gland, which is directly wired to the clitoris. This causes immediate and long-lasting feelings of ennui, nullifying any future attempts at sexual gratification.
B. liberal guilt, which makes people wear Crocs and J. Crew, listen to NPR, and stop having sex
C. Poe guilt – after having pre-marital sex, you can hear the heartbeat of your virginity under the floorboards which will eventually drive you insane
D. gosh, people sure were stupid back then

The good Dr. goes on to inform us that those who involve themselves with pre-marital sex are ‘playing with dynamite’. Which leads me to believe that Bon Scott might have attended a Willke seminar prior to writing ACDC’s classic ‘TNT’. In fact, after carefully scrutinizing the Willke recordings, I am now quite confident that J.C. and Barb did indeed contribute background vocals to the song.

And the end mercifully comes with an eight-minute sermon on religion, love, and marriage, with a brief layover in the land of ‘But What If I Already Went And Got Me Some Before Marriage?’

What is the best way to prevent a long, painful married life of frigidity, impotence, or mental illness, after having sinfully enjoyed the delights of pre-marital sex?
A. put some ice on it
B. a haphazardly thrown-together cocktail of Valium, Cialis, and Ovaltine
C. join a prayer group
D. make babies. As everyone knows, the cure-all to any bad marriage is procreation.

The truth of the matter, according to Barb, is that something has indeed been taken away. The analogy she uses is that of a small child touching a hot stove burner, getting burned, and subsequently learning not to touch it. It’s an awkward analogy at best; and as such, what can we glean from it?
A. do not have sex with a stove
B. if your girlfriend develops a fever, take her at once to her physician
C. microwaves are the way to go
D. learn to build a fucking-machine when you grow up, using parts from an old stove, to prove the adage, your mom, and the Willkes wrong, while you sit back and laugh atop your mountain of cash. When asked about it, patiently explain that the purpose of the fucking-machine is to discourage pre-marital sex; after all, it can’t be sex if there’s only one person actively participating, right?

Dr. Willke then tells us exactly how difficult it was for them to wait to have sex until marriage: it was really hard, but prayer got them through. So in case you’re having a hard time waiting with the man/woman/fucking-machine of your dreams, let me pass on to you this little nugget of wisdom: Pray the Sexay Away.

What sort of other activities or incantations might work toward de-hornying oneself?
A. before you go out with your sweetheart, smash yourself in the genitals about 30 times with a brick
B. develop a suddenly deep yet temporary interest in homosexuality
C. take a scenic vacation to warm, sunny Vietnam!
D. take a page out of the Robert Redford playbook: when he was making Three Days of the Condor with Faye Dunaway, he was required to film a love scene with her. Ms. Dunaway at the time was considered one of the sultriest screen stars of the day (this was before Mommie Dearest), and as such was deathly afraid of embarrassing both her and himself by getting an erection while pressed up against her. His solution? Valium!
E. listen to a lot of Pat Boone records. If Pat Boone can’t de-sex you, then you’re a heathen.

Next week: We take a fond look back at the Willkes, their Willke-ilk, the damage they and theirs have wrought, and where sex-ed went from then.

Part Four

8. Willke Wonka and the No-Sex-for-You Factory

Remember how I prefaced last week’s installment of Willke-wackiness with a warning that things were about to get weird? Well, I feel compelled to issue a new caution flag this week: it’s already weird, folks – what it’s about to get now is Totally Fucked Up.

Just in case, let me shine a little more light on that, by way of the Websters’ definition of Totally Fucked Up:

Totally Fucked Up
pronunciation: \ ˈtō-t^əl-ēˈfəkt-ˈəp\
adj.

1. (usually vulgar) a thing that is weird, strange, or beyond comprehension, then takes not only to a comedic extreme, but also made as vile and reprehensible as humanly possible
2. (clinical) Dr. & Mrs. J.C. Willke’s view of sex, sexuality, and womanhood

Yeah. So that’s what’s up.

You see, where we left off last week was with Dr. J.C. Willie (with a little help from Barb) explaining to us how women should never pursue men. Unless of course he’s a deadbeat dad. In which case you should totally run his ass down.

But now the good Dr. takes it further. Like, way further. Guess what he’s getting at now. According to Dr. Willke, a woman does NOT want to:
A. touch a man’s pee-pee
B. have orgasms
C. know what a clitoris is
D. be naked whatsoever. She just wants to work on her housekeeping skills
E. all of the above.

If you guessed E, then award yourself a golden idol!

But that’s not all. In fact, he’s just getting warmed up with his misogynistic ranting. And the really scary part? He’s an actual doctor. Not one of those witch doctors who rummage around the forests of western North Carolina like Eric Rudolph foraging for snake oil and sparkleberries. No, this guys a real licensed doctor-doctor. You know, the kind who is responsible for curing the sick.

And then he moves on to the crucible of pre-marital sex and its first cousin, promiscuity. He has facts (facts!) which prove that the majority of promiscuous women are in fact (see – facts!) mentally ill. Yes, pre-marital sex is so traumatic as to cause women to go batshit insane. And 75% of those insane pre-martial sex-havers are totally promiscuous.

So there you have it. Single dudes looking for a good lay in the 1960s would have been well-served to check their local sanitariums. No wonder why our dads were so pent-up.

So let’s extrapolate a little. Why is pre-marital sex so bad?
A. it makes the chicks ca-raaaaaaaazy
B. it makes baby Jesus cry
C. it undermines the fundamentals of both our economy and our resolve, enabling Vladimir Putin to invade his next-door neighbor Alaska and steal all the mooseburgers
D. the more pre-marital experimenting a woman does, the more apt she is to learn about her own body, and in turn herself as an individual human being, making her a better and more productive member of society, as opposed to simply being a brood-mare for the state

According to another fine study brought up by the Willkes: of all married women surveyed; those who entered marriage as virgins were far likelier to enjoy a happy marriage. At the same time, those with sexual experience prior to marriage entertained unfulfilling marriages. Why is this?
A. the less you know, the happier you’ll be
B. the doctors in charge of the survey neglected to check the bloodstream of their respondents; because as everyone knows, the only key to a successful marriage in the 1950s-1960s was through the heavy usage of both alcohol and Valium. Therefore the entire study is invalidated.
C. it’s easier to settle for less when you don’t know what else is out there
D. the more pre-marital experimenting a woman does, the more apt she is to learn about her own body, and in turn herself as an individual human being, making her a better and more productive member of society, as opposed to simply being a brood-mare for the state

And then. And then, and then, and then. And then – Dr. Willke lets loose his most vitriolic principle, his sexualized final solution. Dr. Willke patiently explains to us that women do not want sexual intercourse. Yes, he really says that. What women really want is love. Love from a man. Not sex-love. Just love-love. Y’know. You see, a woman learns only from a man’s love to want to have sex. She then, through the repetitiveness of sexual encounter, learns to want this sexual encounter also.

I feel I should repeat that last line. With caps and boldface. ‘Cause it’s a direct quote.

SHE THEN, THROUGH THE REPETITIVENESS OF SEXUAL ENCOUNTER, LEARNS TO WANT THIS SEXUAL ENCOUNTER ALSO.

Which as far as I’m concerned, is about two steps away from genital mutilation. And no, female masturbation as deed or even concept is never – and I mean EVAR – discussed.

Why are women ‘wired’ to not want or like sex?
A. they’re fembots, baby
B. well, they do want it, but what they really want first is to be clubbed like baby seals into submission
C. seriously – have you taken a good look at a dick? It’s pretty goddamned ugly, when you get right down to it. Who wants to be impaled on something that looks like a cross between an over-boiled hot dog and a basset hound?

And so then – how can a man best teach his woman to learn to like sex?
A. pop-up books
B. make her watch lots of French films, because the French are totally into sex
C. buy her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves
D. Spanish Fly, baby
E. tell her that it is her duty

The post-kick-kicker of this is that a goodly-hearted married couple who enters into this sexual miasma do not reap the rewards until the second and third decades of marriage. Which kind of sounds a lot like a bailout might be necessary at some point.

Okay, that’s enough for this week. After listening to that bile, I’m gonna need to bleach my ears out with some good-’n-evil rock ‘n roll music for the next few days. So help me out here, if you don’t mind – which artist’s music is satanic enough to help wash away the strains of wacky Willke-ness?
A. Judas Priest
B. Hank Williams (version 1.0, y’all)
C. Slayer
D. the Trans-Siberian Orchestra

Next week: the Willkes offer an engaging discourse on the dos and don’ts of petting, including but not limited to: pet-handling, pet-selection, pet-maintenance, and Pet Sounds.

Part Three

7. The Mystery of Womanhood

In my continuing wanderings into Willke-land, I’ve come to equate sex-ed with the stock market. You know, there’s a lot of reckless speculation, predatory practices, and rich white dudes hoarding all the gold and trying to rewrite history. And then it all falls apart, leading to all sorts of unpleasantness. Or Free Love. And so, if you’d previously bought any stock in Dr. and Mrs. J.C. Willke’s special brand of bloviating inanity, you might want to sell it off before reading this week’s installment. Even if you have to give it away – just dump it, and dump it fast. Because this week’s entry into the great Willke-Wiki is, well…mind-bendingly stupid, misogynistic, and quite honestly, really fucking weird.

We begin this leg of the Keep-Your-Legs-Shut Tour with a long sermon on pre-marital sexual gratification and how it is so patently bad. And when I say long, I mean it’s about as long as a Rick Wakeman keyboard solo circa 1972. Seriously – it was so long that my beard grew a beard.

Pre-marital sexual gratification is bad because – well, he never really gets to the why part. He spends an awful lot of time and natural resources on the how. So let’s let Dr. Willke’s words speak for himself:

The only way that a truly feminine woman can give of herself is when she’s convinced he loves her. Of course he is lying to her. He has not proven he truly loves her until he signs on that dotted line.

How can one best remain a Truly Feminine Woman?
A. taffeta. Wear lots and lots of taffeta.
B. never give anything more of yourself than a begloved handjob
C. work on your housekeeping skills
D. avoid Ms. magazine at all costs
E. wait for one of the pharmaceutical companies to develop and market Stupid Pills – then OD on them daily

This leads directly into the good Dr.’s overall thrust about The Chase. And no, we’re not talking about the Charlie Sheen movie. We are talking about The Natural Order of All Things. You see, nature has programmed it so that Men are instinctually bound to chase Women, who are instinctually bound, according to Dr. and Mrs. Willke, to be giant cock-teases.

Men like to chase women because:
A. we really enjoy running
B. it’s a lot like dodgeball, with less dodging, less ball (except for the blue variety), and more pussy
C. it’s as good an excuse as any for drunken karaoke
D. guys are really kind of stupid, when you get right down to it

Women in turn like to be chased because:
A. at puberty, all women are given electric go-carts like GOB from Arrested Development, because running is hard
B. it gives them ample time to develop deep reservoirs of resentment and passive-aggressive tendencies which will manifest themselves many years from now, and in exciting, colorful ways
C. Munchausen syndrome-by-proxy!
D. guys are really kind of stupid, and women appreciate watching said stupidity unfold

Men, it turns out, like to chase women because women possess a little something called Mystery. No, not like Agatha Christie. Though Barb Willke will admit to enjoying a nice World’s Greatest Cat Mysteries story from time to time. But in fact, no one actually knows what this mystery actually is. Just that it’s there. And it probably smells like nice womanly things. Like Axe body-spray. And that men are drawn to it. (Unless they’re gay, which the Willkes steadfastly refuse to acknowledge.)

Womanhood is a mystery to men because:
A. a stunning lack of quality sex-ed in the schools
B. them bitches are voodoo, man
C. ‘mystery’ is a euphemism for ‘vagina’; so in truth, womanhood is a vagina to men – a giant vagina hanging in the sky, kind of like the St. Louis Arch
D. guys are really kind of stupid, when you get right down to it

With great pussy – I mean mystery – comes great power. And the power of a woman’s mystery that she has over men is in what she doesn’t give them. Which brings it back around to the whole pre-marital sex thing. Men, you see, have to chase women. It’s who they are and what they do. And what men want most of course is sex. And what women want most, according to the Willkes, is ANYTHING BUT SEX. Which is a lot like saying that women want anything but sex. Wait…

But we men, well…we’re kind of pesky about these sorts of things.

And inevitably, the woman will yield.

Dr. Willke picks up the narration from here: “He having possessed her has now seen it. He has had it; it was not as good as he thought. And he sort of stands away from her, so to speak – a bit of hesitancy. Her reaction is different. She is a woman, having given everything she has to give – and now is completely convinced within in her womanly nature that he belongs to her. And so she sinks her dainty little claws into him. She holds on to him – right at the moment he has hesitated. And he feels this new possessiveness now – ‘now, wait a minute, I didn’t want to get married!’ And he backs away just a bit. This confuses her totally – this isn’t the reaction she’d thought! So she grabs him the tighter, and hangs on – ‘no, you’re mine!’ he doesn’t like this possessiveness; it was premature for him. He backs away, and at times will break and run. The young lady chases him – a complete and uncomfortable reversal! And sometimes this situation will blow sky-high!”

What can we infer from this scenario?
A. Dr. Willke should’ve sued the producers of Fatal Attraction for a screenwriting credit
B. dudes need to be raised to a greater athletic standard so that they are ready to run far and fast in these situations
C. it is hard for chicks to run fast in high heels
D. be very careful of who you NSA with on your friendly neighborhood Craigslist
E. before you have sex with a woman, first be sure to check her up and down for dainty little claws. Because, as bad as STDs are, it’s those dainty little claws that in the end will kill ya.

And finally, why should women never chase men?
A. it is a wanton mockery of our hunter-gatherer skills
B. the men are all suffering from some combination of high cholesterol, restless leg syndrome, erectile dysfunction, and ADD. As a result, we’re all pilled-up to the gills. This makes running hard. Can’t you just Twitter us? Thanks.
C. because running involves math. And as all women know, math is hard.
D. because nothing bores a single man more than an interested woman
E. because all the other countries are filthy heathens!

Next time: after having told us how women are not at all interested in sex, the Willkes up the ante a few hundred notches, and take turns hocking loogies at feminism, humanism, onanism, and everything about a woman’s body that a first-year med student already knows. It’s gonna be a laugh riot!

Part Two

4. SEX-ED DOES THE TIME WARP AGAIN

When we last left off, Dr. and Mrs. J.C. Willke were beginning to speechify on the Wonder of Sex. That is, regarding how long one should make the children wonder about it, and precisely what amounts of guilt and sin to infuse it with. (Hint: think traditional pound-cake, for all you foodies out there.) But before we do a balls-out belly-flop into these puritanical waters, let me offer a word to the wise: I hope you’ve done your homework and given the Willkes a thorough listening-to – because there are quizzes. And the penalty for wrong answers is…more Willke!

And the haranguing proper begins in earnest with Dr. Willke complaining about a Look magazine interview with a movie starlet who says that sex is the most important thing in the world to her. This, Dr. Willke informs us, simply will not do. Which invariably – and by invariably, I mean 0.9 seconds – leads into the favorite smoking gun of all zealots, wise men, and Republicans – it’s the media’s fault! By now you probably know the spiel by heart, but just to make sure, and feel free to take a guess: the media vaingloriously depreciates sex by:
A. forcing us under pain of death to look at upskirt pictures of Britney, Paris, and former HP CEO Carla Fiorina
B. airing that episode of Star Trek where Captain Kirk sucked face with the black chick
C. sending zombies to eat our brains and replace them with an extra cranial set of testicles
D. not cloning Michael Landon before his untimely death

As it turns out, sex is Love. Which I suppose doesn’t sound half-bad, at least in an abstract sort of way. But the thing with zealotry is that while it looks kind of abstract from the outside, it’s actually got more clarity and caveats than EdenFantasys has double-AA batteries. Chief amongst these is the concept of True Love. This is not to be mistaken for Fake Love, Man-Love, Zombie-Love, the love of a good snickerdoodle, or L-U-S-T.

And so, what exactly is True Love?
A. one of Madonna’s more pedestrian records; a cynically ironic pastiche of bubblegum pop wrapped up inside a thin jello-skin of Sean Penn kicking the crapola out of camera owners everywhere
B. nonexistent; it is actually ‘to blave’, which as you already know means ‘to bluff’
C. what happens the first time a man sees a chick naked
D. the blessed marital union, preferably in a darkened room

Yes, in order to attain True Love (i.e., The Sex), you must first be married. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming a filthy goddamn hippy. Or, as Dr. Willke so eloquently puts it, non-marital sex has led to the rise of ‘the advanced attitudes of the new libertarian’. This new libertarian, according to the good doctor, is:
A. lawless
B. godless
C. Ann Coulter-less
D. childless
E. having a really fabulous time

Which means that if you’re doing it at all, you’re probably doing it wrong. Though to be honest, I am still trying to figure out exactly which of those are supposed to be bad things. Then again, I am well-sodden with scotch.

5. IT’S JUST A JUMP TO YOUR LEFT FAR, FAR RIGHT

Regardless of what how they want you to think and act sexually, the Willkes are all about some male masturbation. Well, to a certain extent. As far as the Willkes are concerned, adolescent boys NEED to jerk off. This is true. But where they go screeching off the tracks is when they postulate that the wanking young man-child MUST be taught to “save this”. Save what, you ask? Well, save this – this in this case representing the be-all this of nuttage. Because while the Willkes stress an end to the old wives’ tales of blindness, impotence, and hairy palms, they do insinuate that there is a very finite amount of man-seed to go around.

Who is given limited license to masturbate?
A. immature boys
B. self-pitying boys
C. people who vote Green Party
D. anyone who doesn’t have a vagina

Yes, masturbation is the province of the self-pitying and piteous boy. Big boys can and will control this urge, and learn how to save this rare and valuable genetic epoxy for – you guessed it – marriage!

The (hypothetical) subject of female masturbation is never quite raised. Oh, sure – if you listen closely enough, you can hear the sound of Mrs. Willke’s g-spot and clitoris curling up and dying onstage like an ant under a magnifying glass under the pyroclastic cloud of a volcano under the winking eye of the sun. After all, a woman has her duty.

And so, moving right along past those things that just needn’t be discussed, Mrs. Willke explains to us that throughout the 1960s only one child in ten first learns about The Wonder of Sex at home. And out of those kids, eight out of ten found out about it by accidentally barging into the parental bedchamber while mom and dad were getting their proverbial crunk on.

With that in mind, what does a human person – a boy-creature, think about sex? That sex is:
A. an expression of love
B. the exclusive trademark of Marriage, and may not be copied or disseminated without the expressed written consent of the RNC, MLB, and the AFL/CIO
C. in 1960s currency, about $5 a pop
D. some of the above

6. BUT IT’S THE PELVIC BUST-LINE THAT REALLY DRIVE YOU INSANE

“We live,” Dr. Willke tells us, “in the most breast-happy country in the world.” Breasts, however, are not fun. I know; it’s scandalous. It turns out that breasts serve one function only – to churn out milk.

There is nothing stimulating about watching a woman nurse, he explains. Unfortunately, Dr. Willke is seemingly unaware of the large contingent of lactation-fetishists scouring the modern-day intertubes for photographic evidence of girls squirting milk not for the benefit of children, but rather on a pay-per-view sort of basis.

How did we fool ourselves into thinking that breasts are fun?
A. leftist propaganda from Cuba
B. the rising divorce rate
C. it was an unfortunate though unintentional by-product of all those Frankie and Annette beach movies; i.e., global warming
D. the lovely and talented Yvonne De Carlo

And in case the Willkes’ case wasn’t weird enough yet, the subject of breasts is where they jump off the cliff of Weird into the gaping, screaming maw of madness, with a loosely-stitched together rant against, well…everything. First the good Doctor bloviates a bit on how Little League saps the sexual energy and moral turpitude of youngsters, with Mrs. Willke popping in every so often to alternately rail against/fetishize Barbie dolls. It’s not that they’re sexist, she argues; it’s that they’re great big busted, snakey-hipped girls who encourage real American girls to spend way too much time fixing their hair and trying on new styles of brassiere. And then they start chanting a mantra which they feel will restore order and balance:
A. ‘feed the baby at the dinner table’
B. ‘every man has a right to a Saturday night bath’
C. ‘I believe in a long, prolonged, derangement of the senses in order to obtain the unknown’
D. ‘if you put lipstick on a pig, and that pig gets pregnant, you are required to marry the pig’

Next time, the Willkes answer the age-old questions: ‘does practice make perfect; and why is the prostitute our most beloved woman?’

Part One

1. SEX-ED AND US

Sex-education. Two words which, historically speaking, have gone together about as well as peanut butter and anti-matter. Sex-ed for most of us was a lot like getting caught between the icky-sticky pages of your dad’s latest Hustler mag, thus proving that it is possible to get what you want and still be terribly unhappy about it. And so, assuming you are a card-carrying member of the coveted 25-45 demographic, your formal sexual edumacation was most likely:
A. creepy
B. ill-informed
C. non-existent
D. all of the above

If you were lucky, you got a rambling monologue about the birds and bees, after which you were led like a Guantanamo detainee into a darkened room and forced to watch films of babies plopping out of vaginas in such herky-jerky slow-mo as to make you wonder just what happened to D.A. Pennebaker. As the monstrosity continued to unfold, the narrator would occasionally extol this horrific miracle as what happens when mommy and daddy love each other very much.

If you weren’t so lucky, you were herded by sex into a classroom where your same-sex gym teacher awaited you with the sort of look that alcoholics get when they’ve run out of grog. Because if you’re going to learn about sex, who better to learn it from than a broken-down embittered ex-jock who’s paying out double alimony and child support and is taking it all out on you?

And no matter how lucky or unlucky you were, chances are your formal sexual education ended in a painfully familiar sentence: ‘and if you don’t practice abstinence you will go to H-E-double-matchsticks’.

2. SEX-ED AND THEM

Which raises an interesting question: just how half-assed was the sex-ed of our parents, the oft-maligned baby boomers? Judging by the way things turned out, pretty fucked up. Based on the upbringing, substance-abuse issues, and level of marital (or post-marital) despair of your own parental boomer unit, their sex-ed probably included some combo of the following:
A. ‘so you put the doo-hickey into the hoo-hah…’
B. ‘if I catch you jerking off in the bathroom again, I swear I’ll shoot you with my BB gun’
C. parent hands child a carton of smokes and a porn-mag and tells him to ‘go work it out for yourself’
D. ‘I didn’t spend four years blowing up Nazis so you could go whoring around like a regular Monty Clift’
E. all of the above

Not to suggest that The Greatest Generation weren’t all saints. But, you know, greatness has its price. Which in this case was the baby boomers. Because an entire generation doesn’t get completely wonked-out all by itself. That’s the sort of thing you really have to work at. It’s more accomplishment than accident. Thus, the lasting impact of the boomers’ sexual miseducation might possibly be any of the following:
A. guilt
B. shame
C. guilt and shame
D. a really expensive cocaine habit
E. thousands of dollars in therapy bills and antidepressants
F. your confused, sexually hung-up ass

3. SEX-ED AND THE TRAVELING WILLKE(BURYS)

Fortunately, we don’t have to guess as to just what the hell went wrong anymore. Thanks to UbuWeb (serving all your Ubu needs from Pere Ubu, to the big hulking mutant Ubu who occasionally kicks the gazongas out of Batman, to ‘sit, Ubu, sit – good dog’), there is now a small archive of sex-ed seminars from the 1960s available for your listening edi-faction. But so you don’t have to, I set upon listening to the first of these seminars; a not-quite-danceable little record entitled How to Teach Children the Wonder of Sex. Oh, and I also set upon consuming a fifth of scotch. For the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing the virtues of both with you.

This seminar was obviously held in front of either a comatose or captive audience by a Dr. and Mrs. J.C. Willke, who were near-legendary for being:
A. third-gen descendants of the original Flying Wallendas
B. a raunchy husband-and-wife vaudevillian team who were the inspiration behind the classic joke “the Aristocrats”
C. Roy Orbison’s banjo-wielding replacements in the Willburys
D. wild-eyed Jesus freaks

In fact, Dr. Willke was a renowned licensed sexologist pediatrician, who, after careful deliberation a collect call from the Almighty, decided with Mrs. Willke to pursue a life of teaching badgering people about the joys grim task of marital sex. And to that end, the Willkes appear to have been early pioneers of the sex-positivity movement, in that they were positively sure that sex was positively A Very Bad Thing (™ Squares) unless it was carried out under the Sanctity of Marriage, for the singular goal of procreation.

But trust them; they’re bona-fide, top-shelf sex-experts. This is based on:
A. their ability to properly identify shapes; specifically, penises and baby-shaped items
B. their unabashed hatred for hippies
C. they actually had sex on a number of occasions, as evidenced by their army-like brood of Li’l Willkes
D. all of the above

Actually, the Willkes want you to understand that they are not speaking to you as academics. And after the first few minutes of listening to them, you’ll be inclined to believe them. You’ll also find yourself feeling awfully grateful that you grew up with Dr. Ruth or Adam Carolla rather than these cracked-out cranks. Listening to the Willkes talk about sex is like imagining Ladybird Johnson being chased around the Oval Office circa 1968 by a BJ-seeking LBJ, while Hoover struts around in a hula skirt. It’s neither sexy nor necessary; and the only thing you’re going to get out of it is a reason to drink more.

Speaking of which – and, to quote the Willkes in a metaphysical rather than literal sense – until next time, “bottoms up!”

Next time – we’ll delve deeper into the miasmic depths of sex-ed in the 60s, and answer the burning question ‘Willke or won’tke?’

********

The Snarling Misanthrope is the author, editor-in-chief, and Grand Poobah for Life of Junkbuzzed, which might possibly be the world’s snarkiest sex-blog.